Unconnected Hogwarts Rambles
by Narniaisinmycloset
Summary: I've been reading HP/APH crossovers for a month now so this was inevitable, Basically what the title suggests, I'm just writing my favourite APH characters into Hogwarts. This might eventually have pieces that are not that unconnected. A part of thise made it into its own story so check that out
1. Introduction

**I OWN NOTHING**

 **HETALIA IS** **HIDEKAZU HIMARUYA'S**

 **HARRY POTTER IS J. K. ROWLING'S**

* * *

 **It seems that the "Hey Teach" story which plays in third year is growing a bit at the moment. "Triwizard Twist" would be the 4th year of that. They now have their own chronological ordered and filled-out (aka a real story with like 1k+ chapters woot?) version called 'Harry Potterand the Kirkland clan' I'm still writing ahead sometimes and those will be posted here!**

* * *

 **In this chapter i want to post a guide to reading this because it means that i won't publish in chronological order.**

 **So far we have:**

 _Dead History:_

Chapter 2 (Dead History 1)

[Chapter 4 (Universal 1)]

Chapter 8 (Dead History 2)

 _Hey Teach/Triwizard Twist:_

Chapter 3 (Hey Teach 1)

Chapter 13 (Hey Teach 4)

[Chapter 4 (Universal 1)]

Chapter 5 (Hey Teach 2)

Chapter 11 (Hey Teach 3)

Chapter 14 (Hey Teach 5)

Chapter 9 (Triwizard Twist 2)

Chapter 18 (Triwizard Twist 3)

Chapter 6 (Triwizard Twist 1)

Chapter 20 [loosely] (Siriusly? book 7?)

 _Norwegian Ridgeback_

Chapter 7 [Most likely a one shot]

 _How I Learned To Stop Giving A S**t And Love The Nordics_

Chapter 10 [Most likely a one shot]

 _Litauen_

Chapter 15 (one shot)

 _England_

Chapter 16 (one shot)

 _Brandt's Bat_

Chapter 19 (one shot)

* * *

The Universal one is there cause I like that theory. I read tons of HP/APH this past month and even though there is a perfectly reasonable canon explanation for a wizard to not age it has never been picked up on even though Hermione spends hours in the library researching it and personified nations should not be the obvious choice out of the two. I might throw it out if i find a better way to introduce the concept as i don't like how dialogue heavy that chapter is but for now it stays ;)


	2. Dead History 1

Arthur Kirkland was making his way down the empty Halls of Hogwarts.

During the majority of the year you would see young witches, wizards (and those magical children who didn't classify themselves into either category) hurrying from class to class or strolling down for dinner in the great hall. But in the last week of the summer holidays only professors and the occasional ghost were seen in the halls of the old castle.

Arriving at the open door of the staff lounge from where he could hear quiet talking, England entered the room to be greeted by his new boss, Albus Dumbledore.

"Ah, Arthur. How good of you to join us. Everyone, this is our new DADA teacher, Arthur Kirkland, one of two new additions to our staff today. Professor Beilshmidt, our new History of Magic teacher seems to be running a little late-"

At this Arthur started to panic.

"Ludwig?",he burst out, interrupting the confused headmaster, "Late?! Something dreadful must have happened bloody hell I have to inform Kiku and Feliciano!"

After all he had contacted the Ministerium für Magie himself, requesting the German nation to join him at Hogwarts this year.

Suddenly the (already open, mind you) door was slammed into the wall.

"KESESESESESESE! THE AWESOME ME HAS ARRIVED!"

...And Arthur was no longer surprised why the Ministerium für Magie so readily parted with their representative...


	3. Hey Teach 1

"Hey Teach, I'm heading out!"

Putting down the Daily Prophet, England let out a sigh.

"Be back before midnight, Leon."

"But I'm 150!"

England's eyes pointedly travelled from the teen's hairline to the soles of his boots and back up.

"Fiiiiine..."

With that last remark he stomped out the door, leaving England in only the company of Sirius Black's deranged smile on the coffee table.


	4. Universal 1

"Who's that bloke next to Snape? The one with the caterpillars on his face?", Ron asked his fellow Gryffindors.

"Recon he's here to teach DADA?"

"I hope not... That's Arthur Kirkland!"

Harry and Ron looked at Hermione at her exclaiming that.

"Who?"

"You... You have never heard of the Kirklands before?! They are the most influential wizarding family out there!"

"You do know I live with the Dursleys right..."

"Hold on. I think dad might've mentioned that name once or twice, ministerium related..."

"Why don't you want him to teach? Is his family..." In league with Voldemort was left unsaid.

"Nothing much is known about them in that regard but there are rumours... You see, they are an ancient family, they have been around since before the founders even and... They haven't changed. Apparently are metamorphmagi, all of them. And there are always 5 of them the oldest being Allistor Kirkland and the youngest Arthur Kirkland. That's how it's been since the family has been on record."

"What? You're saying that bloke is thousands of years old?"

"No Ron. I'm saying that every now and then there are five new Kirklands that take over, looking exactly like their predecessors... Just five... No one has ever heard of any other Kirklands. No one knows how and where they raise their successors. There are only five. Four men and a woman."

"But... What would happen if their children don't fit in that pattern? If a second girl gets born? Or the kid isn't a metamorphmagi?"

"That's where the rumours start..."


	5. Hey Teach 2

Harry's eyes wandered between the high table and the yet to be sorted first years again. Ever since they entered Arthur Kirkland had been glaring at a blonde boy that sported the same eyebrows as him. It seemed almost murderous. Harry couldn't quite make it out from where he was sitting but the knuckles of his balled fists seemed to have turned white.

And the Asian teen sitting next to him was shaking... With suppressed laughter it turned out.

Yep, the teen - who couldn't have been older than 16, why was he sitting at the teachers table? - was now in stitches.

The blonde boy who had been looking around the great hall with awe seemed to finally take notice of him.

"LEON!" He grinned and waved and then he started glaring back at Kirkland.

"Hey Peter!" The teen called back, still laughing.

Having taken over McGonnagall's first year duty this year, seeing as she seemed to still be in her office with the two foreigners from the train, Professor Flitwick placed the Sorting Hat in front of the confused looking first years.

* * *

"Kirkland, Peter!"

"Kirkland?! Did he say Kirkland!?"

"Look at the other one. He's basically shaking with rage!"

"SLYTHER-" The hat called, but stopped. After a minute of apparent conversation with Peter he called out "GRYFFINDOR!"

Peter whooped, the Asian teen laughed, clapping harder than any of the confused Gryffindors and the older Kirkland was facepalming. Seeing this the Asian teen clapped his back in a comforting way, still grinning and shooting a thumps up with his free hand at Peter, who returned the gesture.

* * *

After everyone had been sorted Dumbledore stood up.

"I know you are all starving, but before we can start the feast two more students have to be sorted. They will be attending sixth year along with being assistants to some of our professors, so they will have a few more rights than even a prefect."

"Steilsson, Emil"

At that the Asian teen started whooping again, clapping the person seated on his other side on the back. Harry had not gotten a closer look at him and had assumed from the white hair that it was an old person but now he recognised that it was a teenager as well.

The boy made his way down to Flitwick and the hat. Sitting on the chair and placing the hat on his head it didn't take long until he was sorted in "RAVENCLAW!"

"Wang, Li Xiao!"

"Hold on," said Ron, "didn't that Peter kid call him Leon earlier?"

"Many Asians take up European names when dealing with us, actually." Said Hermione. [1]

"Oh"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

* * *

[1] Shout-Out to my friends Pizza and Nirvana


	6. Triwizard Twist 1

"Sit down please. And now the moment you've all been waiting for, the champions selection!"

Dumbledore approached the blue flame and it glowed red. A name came out as everyone looked on anxiously.

"The Durmstrang champion is ... Viktor Krum!"

At this he Durmstrang crowd cheered. Another name came out.

 **"** The champion from Beauxbatons... Fleur Delacour!"

The Beauxbatons girls cheered as Fleur walked up. Another name came out.

"The Hogwarts champion... Cedric Diggory."

Hogwarts pupils cheered as Cedric took the stage.

"Excellent! we now have our three champions! But in the end only one will go down in history. Only one will hoist this chalice of champions, this vessel of victory the tri-wizard cup!"

People cheered, but the goblet glowed red once more and another name flies out. Dumbledore took it and read...

"Li Xiao Wang. Li Xiao WaNG!?"

"Well, shit."

 **I don't have the english book right now so this is taken straight from the movie script so copy right goes there.**

 **Oh and this is for this and every past and future chapters: I own nothing, Hetalia and Harry Potter belong to their respective owners i am broke don't sue me. (At the moment i have 9€ to my name like seriously don't sue me)**


	7. Norwegian Ridgeback

**Quick thing I did to tell you something important at the end**

* * *

Harry, Ron and Hermione made their way down to Hagrid's hut for their lesson in Care for Magical Creatures.

They were the last ones to arrive and as soon as Professor Kirkland deemed them close enough he began the lesson.

"Please form a half circle around this box, nice and large, very good. In here I have, exclusively for today, a tame Norwegian Ridgeback my good friend Vasilica Lupei from Romania sent me. Now this dragon isn't fully grown yet but old enough for us to study."

"I have studied enough of them for a lifetime." Ron grumbled under his breath.

"Quiet Ron!" Hermione Shushed him.

"Are you ready? Good, I'll open the crate now and let him out!"

"..."

"...Professor, that's a dog."

"An angry dog!"

"My father will hear about this."

"Damn you Vasilica!"

"Well, that surely is a Ridgeback, you can see from the-"

"Finite Incantatem!"

In front of the eyes of the shocked students the hound began to turn into a man.

A pale blond man in a blue sailor outfit.

"Everyone, this is Lukas Bondevik, a mutual Norwegian friend of Vasilica and I... CLASS DISMISSED!"

* * *

 **[[I will be treated in a clinic for my depression starting today, so I can't say how frequent I will update this...]]**

 **Update: it will take probably another week until they can take me in**


	8. Dead History 2

**(I updated the note in the last chapter but basically it looks like I have at least another week before there is a free place in the clinic)**

* * *

 **History Of Magic Curriculum:**

I. History of Prussia

II. History of Canada

III. History of Spain

IV. History of France

V. History of Denmark

VI. History of America

* * *

 **I have no clue what it did to the first version of this chapter, this site is weird**


	9. Triwizard Twist 2

_Guest_ _:_

 _Haha yes! Hongice!_

 **Me: HAHA YES MFing HONGICE!**

 **In the beginning of this everyone is looking at everything i had to open a freaking thesaurus jfc on a bike save me!**

* * *

"Please follow me", said Professor McGonagall, "first years to the front... and don't push..."

They marched down the front steps and formed rows in front of the castle. It was a cold, clear evening; dusk was falling and the moon, seeming pale and translucent, had already risen above the forbidden forest. Harry, standing next to Ron and Hermione in the fourth row, could see Leon and Emil in the fifth row, standing close together. Leon tried to steal some warmth from Emil who was unaffected by the autumn chill. Instead of excited like everybody else the normally stoic Emil looked rather apprehensive.

"Almost six", said Ron, squinting at his watch. He impatiently glanced down the path to the castle gates. "How will they arrive you recon? By train?"

"I doubt it", said Hermione

"Then how? By broom?", guessed Harry, eyeing the starry sky.

"Don't think so... If they have to travel this far..."

"With a portkey?", Ron offered. "Or they could apparate-"

"You can't apparate on Hogwarts grounds, how many times do I have to tell you?", whispered Hermione harshly.

Excitedly they surveyed the castle grounds, where night was falling now, but nothing moved; everything was peaceful, quiet and basically like always.

Harry was starting to get cold. He envied Emil but quickly changed his mind after seeing how tightly Leon clung onto the blonde Ravenclaw now. If they would just hurry up... maybe the foreign students were preparing for a dramatic entrance... he remembered what Mr. Weasely said on the camping site at the Quiddich World Cup- "Always the same, we just can't stop boasting when we gather..."

And then Dumbledore called from the last row, where he was standing with the other teachers (a very constipated looking Kirkland standing right next to him) – "Ah! If I'm not wrong the Beauxbatons delegation is arriving!"

"There!", Leon cried and pointed towards the forest, temporarily loosening his grip on Emil.

Something big, much bigger than a broom – or even a hundred brooms –, came flying in soft waves across the deep blue sky towards the Castle.

"A dragon!", screamed an over exited Peter, jumping a bit but stopping and frowning at his arms and legs shortly after.

"It's not, stupid", his brown haired friend snarked at him, "It's a flying house!"

She was already pretty close with her guess...

When the giant black figure touched the tops of the forbidden forest and entered the light emitting from the castle windows they saw that it was a gigantic blue grey carriage the size of a family home. It was pulled through the air by a dozen pegasi, all of them the size of elephants.

The first three rows of students stepped back as the carriage tilted downwards and started to land at a breakneck speed. And then, with a deafening bang that caused Peter to jump on a third year Slytherin's foot (they had to be taken to the hospital afterwards because apparently little Peter had somehow broken their foot with his weight), the horses stood on solid ground. A second later the carriage landed, bouncing on its giant wheels while the horses threw back their heads and rolled their giant eyes.

Harry could just make out two crossed golden wands emitting three sparks each painted on the door of the carriage when it already opened.

A boy in pale blue robes jumped out, bent down and after tinkering a bit with the floor of the carriage pulled out foldable golden stairs. He jumped back respectfully afterwards. Harry saw a black high heel the size of a kids sleigh emerge from the carriage followed by the tallest woman he had ever seen. After her followed a man with shoulder length blonde hair wearing dark blue robes, a brunette man wearing a brown sort of muggle uniform and a white haired man in a get up that would have aunt Petunia faint from shock: High black boots, ripped black jeans, a shirt with a skull on it[1] and a leather jacket that looked like it had seen better days.

Dumbledore started clapping, the students following his example, many getting on their tip toes to get a better look at the newcomers.

While the woman started smiling and approaching Professor Dumbledore the blonde man quickly made his way towards Professor Kirkland.

"Angleterre!", he screamed "Ohonhonhonhon I 'avent seen 'ou in months, non?"

"Frog.", Professor Kirkland responded, looking pissed off.

Their conversation was quickly drowned out by Professor Dumbledore greeting the headmistress of Beauxbatons, Madame Maxime. Harry could only make out a few more words, "Gilbert... Trio... basement..."

He looked at the other two men, the taller albino had his arm slung around the brunette as they both stood a few steps behind 'Frog', smiling.

* * *

 **[1] Fun fact: I once had to convince a classmate that the English term for death eaters is not, in fact, misfits.**

 **Ok, so, I tried with the accent... don't kill me.**

 **So on a side note, Gilbert is one of the pillars of my mental health at the moment. the guy survives on being awesome and living in his brothers basement, life goals much? Being so awesome that the awesome is enough to keep you alive? AWESOME!**


	10. How I Learned To Stop Giving A Shit And

_Guest chapter 9 . Jan 20_

 _Question will you ever tell us about those rumors Hermione mentioned about the Kirkland's_

 **Me: To be honest, I don't really like that chapter... It's just so much dialogue. I love the theory and stand by it, I just wish there was a better way to introduce it... maybe England meeting the gang in diagon alley? i don't really know so for now the chapter is what it is, the best introduction i have to this headcanon**

* * *

 **How I Learned To Stop Giving A S**t And Love The Nordics**

What Harry feared most was that he might not be able to find the mirror again. With Ron covered in the Cloak too, they had to walk much more slowly the next night. They tried retracing Harry's route from the library, wandering around the dark passageways for nearly an hour.

"I'm freezing," said Ron. "Let's forget it and go back."

" _No!"_ Harry hissed. "I know it's here somewhere."

They passed the ghost of a tall witch gliding in the opposite direction, but saw no one else. Just as Ron started moaning that his feet were dead with cold, Harry spotted the suit of armour.

"It's here - just here - yes!"

They pushed the door open. Two pairs of eyes wandered towards them. They weren't alone in the room.

"Oh hello! I don't think you're supposed to be here!" said a short, blonde man.

"You better redeem yourself if you want to get a Christmas present!"

"Hm."

"You can _see_ us?"

"Shouldn't I?"

"Hm?"

"You're not teachers, what are you doing here!?"

"Oh, our friend Arthur just asked Berwald and I here to move that mirror. Apparently it would lead other people to make most unfortunate decisions _and_ it is pretty heavy and since we were the only ones that had a little spare time on their hands he asked us!"

Harry and Ron looked on in amazement as Berwald picked up the heavy looking mirror. They shuffled to the side, still wearing the apparently useless Cloak, to let him pass through the door with it.

"Now, you should go back to bed, I was serious about the naughty list!" the smaller blonde told them.

"L'sn t' m' w'f'"

They were herded out of the room by the cheerful man and made their way back to the Gryffindor common room in a daze.

* * *

 **Notice something? That's right, the awesome me actally owns Harry** **Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. I also had to tell my mom that I stole her/our copies of Harry Potter Und Der Gefangene Von Askaban & Harry Potter Und Der Feuerkelch to ... write a story...**

 **currently I'm looking at my pillow where I'm greeted with the following order of things**

 **Black Butler Band XI**

 **Mostly Void Partially Stars**

 **Harry Potter Und Der Feuerkelch**

 **Harry Potter Und Der Gefangene Von Askaban**

 **Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone**

 **A Pumpkaboo**

 **My iPad blasting Billy Talent**

 **I don't know why I felt like telling you this, you probably don't care...**


	11. Hey Teach 3

**Towards the end this just kinda... faded out, sorry**

* * *

"Harry! Harry! Hello, Harry!"

This was Colin Creevey, a second year who was always in awe of Harry and never let a chance to speak to him pass.

"Aren't you going to Hogsmeade, Harry? Why not? Hey-" Colin excitedly looked for his friends (apparently including one Peter Kirkland), "-you can sit with us if you want, Harry!"

"Uhm - no thanks, Colin", said Harry, who wasn't in the mood to have people gape at the scar on his forehead, "I have to work on something at the library."

Then he had no other option but to leave through the portrait hole again.

"Why did you even wake me up?" the fat lady called after him.

Harry listlessly made his way towards the library. Halfway there he realised that he didn't really want to study so he turned around and came face to face with Filch, who had probably just finished seeing off the last people to visit Hogsmeade.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

"Nothing", said Harry.

"Nothing", Filch hissed and his jaw vibrated promising nothing good. "Great excuse! Roaming around here alone, why aren't you at Hogsmeade buying dung bombs and burp powder and whistling worms like your mean little friends?"

Harry shrugged.

"Now, back to your common room where you belong!" Filch barked at him and waited with an angry stare until Harry was out of his sight.

But Harry didn't go back to his common room. With the vague idea to visit Hedwig in the owlery he climbed some stairs and walked down the hallway. Suddenly he heard a voice from one of the hallways:

"Harry?"

Harry quickly walked back to see who it was and met Professor Kirkland who was leaning out of his office door.

"What are you doing here? I thought you'd be at Hogsmeade."

"I didn't get permission, Sir." Harry admitted.

"Oh… You should come in. I was just talking to Leon about getting some supplies for me."

Harry entered the room and sure thing there was the older Gryffindor drinking out of an almost antique looking teacup.

"Heya Harry!" he greeted with a smile.

"So, as I was saying" Professor Kirkland said bestowing Leon with a serious look, "I want you to go on a supply run in Hogsmeade and I thought maybe you could take Harry here with you?"

Harry's mood started to skyrocket at that but it was dampened just as quickly.

"Sir," he said tentatively, "aren't you worried about Sirius Black?"

"No, Harry, I'm not." A smile played on the Professor's lips. "And if you are worried I can assure you that Leon is fully capable of protecting you from criminals and dementors."

The teens chest seemed to puff out a little at that sentence.

"O-okay." Harry agreed, it didn't take long to convince him, he really wanted to go after all.

"Let's go then!" Leon exclaimed, bringing his teacup down with a little too much force and jumping up from his chair. He ran towards Harry, grabbed him by the arm and started dragging him down the corridor. With an amused smile Professor Kirkland closed the door behind them.

They were halfway to the village when Harry noticed something.

"Hey Leon?"

"Yeah?" The other acknowledged him but never faltered in his semi-run.

"Where is Emil?" Outside of classes Harry almost never saw the two apart. He had expected the two of them to visit Hogsmeade together. Suddenly he had a very clear image of Leon smiling at the white haired teen while nursing a drink in some friendly looking pub while Emil himself was not-quite-smiling into his own beverage.

"Oh, Ice went with his bro…"

"I see…" Harry hadn't even known the Ravenclaw had a brother, much less one at Hogwarts, considering his status as a transfer.

Harry didn't know it but he should get the answer to his question soon enough because they had barely made it into the village when Harry head the sneering voice of a too familiar blonde Slytherin: Draco Malfoy.

"So the great Harry Potter needs a mudblood babysitter now? Or are you his backup boyfriend now that his first choice is out on a date with a teacher?"

"50 points from Slytherin for such abhorrent language Mr. Malfoy. And FYI: I'm not muggleborn and Emil and Lukas happen to be brothers. Now if you would excuse us, me and Harry have a job to do. Good day." And with that he dragged Harry along into Dogweed and Deathcap.

"Oh Merlin! That was brilliant!"

"Wasn't it? Oh I wish we couldave seen his face after walking away." Leon doubled over laughing.

After he had composed himself he glanced around the store and quickly bought some dried herbs. It seemed a bit random to Harry but he didn't comment on it.

"Sooo… wanna go to Zonko's next?" Leon grinned at him.

"Yes please!" Harry managed to get out, he had wanted to go there ever since he had first heard about it from Ron.

"Let's go then!"

Thus Harry was dragged around by an over excited Chinese boy yet again. And because he was Harry Potter his entrance into the joke shop didn't go unnoticed, especially by his two best friends who quickly made their way over to him.

"Harry what are you doing here?"

"How did you get out of the castle mate?"

"I'm at the things that go boom, either find me there or meet up at the door K?" said Leon and went MIA in the thick crowd inside the shop.

"Uh, Professor Kirkland made Leon take me out on a 'supply run' but I think that was just an excuse to get both of us out the castle… Emil is out with Professor Bondevik so I guess Leon was lonely or something."

"Why would he choose Bondevik over Leon?"

"Professor Bondevik, Ron."

"They are brothers", Harry quickly said over Ron grumbling something about another Lockhart.

After assuring Hermione that the Professor was very confident in Leon's ability to protect Harry against every danger he might encounter they went around the store looking at the items. They didn't actually buy anything after Hermione reminded them that all of the items were on the list of forbidden items in Filch's office. Eventually they met Leon in the magical fireworks aisle. He bought about three galleons worth of it.

After stuffing it all into an enchanted Zonko's bag he lead them towards Honey Duke's. Just like most Hogwarts students Hermione and Ron had gone there first so now the store was comparatively empty. So it didn't take them long to spot Emil and his brother in front of one of the many shelves ladened with sweets.

They talked quietly to each other in what Harry could only assume to be Norwegian or Icelandic so it did surprise him when Leon chimed in in what he could only assume was some form of Chinese. The only thing Harry could make out from their conversation were the names Mathias, Tino and Berwald. After a while the Professor nodded and made his way over to the counter, a variety of sweets in his arms. After that Harry paid full attention to the store's wares and aware that he had enough money to afford it, bought everything that caught his fancy (with some helpful input from Ron that was).

As a group of six they continued to the Three Broomsticks where Harry first hand witnessed the exact scene between Leon and Emil he imagined earlier.

* * *

 **I don't want to give Leon that 'valley girl' speech pattern that makes him sound too much like Poland. So I'm just trying to make him sound a bit more colloquial without going straight (lol me doing anything straight) to America's duuudeee which results in things like me and the donkey and couldave so yeah...**

 **ooh and look i made a cover pic lol**


	12. Unsure

**This might be crack or stupid or be acceptable in the idiocy that is hetalia**

* * *

Italy Veneziano and Germany, also known as Feliciano Vargas and Ludwig Beilschmidt, were sitting in front of a tent on a camping ground in Brandenburg.

Suddenly, whipping out the cutlery he had stolen from England's house (only to prevent him from ruining some poor food!) and some tomatoes Spain had given him the smaller Italian exclaimed:

"Ve~ Camping is fun! I'm gonna make some pasta!"

Soon he had prepared a fresh tomato sauce with the Spanish tomatoes, stirring it with the English cutlery.

The smell of the concoction did not only make the stomach of every other camper growl, it also attracted a hideously deformed looking fly that was flying to the north-west.

Against it's better judgement (and, opposed to the other members of its species, this fly usually had a lot of that) the fly flew straight into the sauce. Before it could even think about which body should be the next in the long line that served on its way to the British Isles something extraordinary happened.

"Ve~! Luddy! Luddy! My spoon disappeared aaaah!"

The two nations watched in shock as the tomato sauce gave way to a man that looked like the lovechild of Arthur Kirkland, Antonio Fernández Carriedo and… a fly.

"Bone of zzze fazzzer,

Blood of zzze enemy,

Flesh of zzze zzzervant"

* * *

 **I need honest opinions on this chapter: funny or stupid?**

 **I hope it's obvious that the cutlery was the bone of voldemorts "fatherland" the tomatoes the blood of the "enemy" (cause england and spain were/are enemies (in hetalia)) and the fly voldy was posessing was the servant...**

 **Seriously tell me if you'd say that it's just stupid or funny i'm not really used to writing funny stuff...**


	13. Hey Teach 4

**I have entered the loony bin oh my.**

 **The walls are made of concrete so the connection here is… basically non existent. Me and pumpkaboo made a new acquaintance who complimented me on my "definitely new" boots (they are actually well worn and dirty). Oh well, you're not here for the woes of a depressed enby. On with the madness that is Pottertalia!**

Leon had barely closed the door behind him when a tapping started on the window to Arthur's left. Sighing he got up from his place on the sofa to let in the owl he had been dreading since he had received the Daily Prophet this morning.

He was the most politically active Kirkland after all and, even though some might disagree, to Dumbledore that meant the most influential "Light" wizard on the British Isles next to himself.

The truth of course was that Arthur was not what the modern British wizard would deem "Light" and infinitely more influential than even Albus Dumbledore.

But no one had to know that besides him and the other nations, really.

 **Starting a story is really hard… you and I know that I know where I wanna take this but urgh the beginning just doesn't want to happen...**


	14. Hey Teach 5

**Guys, they got my phone but i turned on wifi and can connect my ds to it. i have the interwebz. i can read fanfiction again I am so happy (i can also talk to my friends but who cares lol)**

 **to the guest that thought england made cutlery out of bones... that would be... unfortunate? but maybe he thought black magic would help his cooking skillz... it cant get worse at any rate lol**

* * *

Harry, Hermione and Ron were wandering the castle one Weekend when they saw something unusual.

"Leon? Why are you lugging around books on a Saturday?"

Leon stopped and turned towards the golden trio, a smirk appearing on his face.

"Oh, me, Emil and Lukas are helping Arthur set up for his next lessons. Wanna help? Vas ditched us to floochat a certain Bulgarian and I think you owe us one, Harry!"

And that's how the Golden Trio ended up carrying various DADA materials from Professor Kirkland's chambers into his classroom.

When they were finished all of them agreed they deserved a treat from the kitchens.

They gathered in the Great Hall and Leon went to the kitchens to order some sandwiches and pumpkin juice. They finished their light snack and made their way back into the entrance hall.

Once there they quickly became witnesses to an altercation.

Two Slytherin first years were backing someone into a corner.

"You claim to be a pureblood? You're a disgrace. Probably a squib, that's why every broom refused to fly when you sat on it!"

"No, I am a real wizard!" They heard the voice of Peter Kirkland respond. "It's just that I'm… I'm…"

"LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE!" Four people shouted at the same time.

Professor Bondevik, Professor Kirkland, Leon and Emil looked at each other.

Professor Kirkland was the first one to recover. "15 points from Slytherin each! And now scram!" They did just that.

Peter, who had looked pleased with all the attention he had received from his family ((especially Arthur)) was the next one to recover. "I didn't need your help, jerk faces! The great Sea-kun had everything under control!" And with that he left towards Gryffindor Tower.

"You're all brothers?" Hermione tentatively asked, the passion for solving the 'Kirkland Mystery' rekindled with that one sentence.

"Well, you see, uh, by blood I guess he's Arthur's brother and my half brother?" Leon cast a glance towards Professor Kirkland who shrugged but gave a brief nod. "Yeah, my half brother." Leon repeated.

"And our best friends who are a bit… parental since we don't have our own parents adopted Peter a while ago [1] so… he's one of us."

"Lillebror you actually care! I have to tell Tino that you will call him Mama from now on too!"

"Don't you dare."

Professor Bondevik raised an eyebrow that seemed to ask 'don't you dare who?' because Emil responded with "Don't you dare… stóri bróðir"

* * *

 **[1] I'm not sure if this fits in with 1993 which I think we're having right now (prolly not cause Sweden bought him on ebay), but I also can't put it into the present as that would mess with Hong Kong… eh, Durley had a Playstation, you know the drill**


	15. Litauen

**Hooo boy I made a mistake (aka i started reading snakeskins which is... time consuming)**

 **But! After a night out to see GREEN DAY (yaaay fav band and shit) Ican give you this piece of crap.**

 **I have more written in my journal (more hey teach and a started rewrite of the goblet ceremony thingy if that is of any relevance to you!) but havent gotten to work on it since about friday. I'm finally in the right place where I have my phone and a pre planned day with therapy and the like but the internet inside is so bad that i have to go outside to be able to do more than whatsapp.**

 **anyways, on with the story:**

 **In which I write a very OOC Lithuania. Sorry.  
But he's like, desperate, OK?**

* * *

Poland was pretty sure that the last time he had visited Lithuania he didn't have to cross two oceans.  
He was also sure that the last time he saw him the other nation wasn't 75% horse.  
"Li-Liet?" Poland asked carefully, "Like, what happened to you?"  
"Is 'it's England's fault' enough of an explanation?"  
"Like, no? Like, you need to tell me everything that like, happened."  
"Yes, I suppose I was expecting you to say that..."  
"Like, you know me so well!"  
"I guess I do. OK, so, remember the world conference three weeks ago in London? I couldn't fly back because all airports in Lithuania were closed because of storms so I stayed at England's house for the night. I went to sleep in the guest bedroom and when I woke up... I was a centaur."  
"Just like that."  
"Yes, well, apparently England was doing some magic in his basement and it went wrong."  
"And like, why are you in this ugly forest?" Poland asked, looking disdainfully at the moss covered trees that grew so thick they blocked out the sunlight.  
"Well, England took me to his brother's house who laughed at him and refused to help and then he told me to stay here until he finds a solution because all remaining centaurs in the UK live here."  
"Is there like, anything I can do to help?"  
"Get Romania and Norway."  
"Except for that. I was thinking more along the lines of like, designing you some nice clothes. I made some for pony but he like, won't wear them."  
"What?" Asked the nation who was now a centaur "Why not?"  
"I dunno. He like, refuses to hold still whenever I try to make him wear pants..."  
"No, I meant why won't you get Romania and Norway!"  
"They're scary!"  
"Poland, I will go on 5 shopping trips with you if you do this for me."  
"Ten"  
"Six"  
"Seven and I can put some outfits together for you and get rid of some things in your closet." The blonde said, crossing his arms.  
"...deal."


	16. England

**_Long AN is long but maybe interesting for hey teach fans!_**

 **I'm not dead!**

 **Well, it would be pretty bad rep for the clinic if I ended up dead despite not having suicidal tendencies... hehe...**

 **But as I mentioned, the days here are full and the Internet is horrible.**

 **It's still too cold outside to type on the phone and (excuse), (excuse) and not to forget (excuse).**

 **So where did this come from?**

 **My mom brought me my Laptop, so I have Word.**

 **The majority of this story is actually in google docs but yeah no internet.**

 **So I'm typing this on Thursday with the hope of uploading this on Friday because I can go home for the weekend.**

 **This is one of the stories I had in my notebook.**

 **And I have a small announcement.**

 **In my time here I made some progress on the Hey teach front as in I found a way to combine the two universes, because obviously the DADA teacher is always a central plot point and exchanging him kind of kills it. So you have to find a fix, preferably from the non-potter side of the cross over. And did! For both books! So I decided that I want to continue loosely posting hey teach/triwizard twist updates here, but if I ever manage to write the beginning of the story I want to post it parallel in chronological order with a link to this collection.** **(And hope it's not too much responsibility for me... but then again I am doing this whole therapy to change that aspect of me so this should be good for me! Positivity!)**

 **This AN got longer than the story I'm horrible!**

 **On to the story which characters I don't own! This is true for every other chapter too unless i say differently duh!**

He was England. He could see everything that happened in the bloody country. Many of the worst crimes were over so fast that he couldn't help. Others happened behind closed doors so he couldn't intervene without giving away his secret. But leaving a 15 month old child lying on a doorstep for a whole night in the middle of fall? In his country? Arthur Kirkland couldn't believe it. He tucked the toddler against his chest and opened the letter.

Dumbledore.

It had to be wizards.

They had known a cure for the common cold for so long that they didn't even think about how it could affect a child in the care of non-magicals.

Arthur was livid.

So he rang the doorbell of number 4, Privet Drive on the morning of November 1st.

This, as you can all imagine, didn't end well. The occupants did not want the child and no matter how much Arthur insisted that he had nothing to do with the whole affair and just happened to pass by, they did not listen.

And that was how the country of England ended up with one Harry James Potter in his care.


	17. AN

The Hey Teach series will now be posted as a real story in 'Harry Potter and the Kirkland clan' It will eventually include the parts already featured here as their time comes but some changes will be made (for example i had a reason to put iceland into ravenclaw but i don't like that reason anymore so i'll change his house and stuff like that. Or maybe not. I'm suddenly not so sure anymore...) i will probably still post in (parallel)universe snippets of that story here that want to be written but are too far in the future to be included yet (i recently wrote a bit of deathly hallows!) But yeah, if you like thee hey teach series definitely check out the other story on my account 'Harry Potter And The Kirkland Clan'


	18. Triwizard Twist 3

**Guest on chapter 9:**

Damn. I wanna see more of this XD

 **Me:** Uuuhh... I have this? It's short don't kill me ToT

* * *

"Ze representatives de France, Spain et zeir … friend." Madame Maxime said, indicating the bad touch trio, "And my students." At that she waved her gigantic hand towards the carriage.

Hong Kong, who had been fixated on Madame Maxime from where he was wrapped around Iceland, now saw that around a dozen older teens had climbed out of the carriage and were now lining up behind Madame Maxime. None of them were dressed for the weather; seeing them shake made Leon press up closer to Emil.

"Ah, yes." Dumbledore said, "The representatives of Scotland, the Irelands and Wales will be joining us at dinner, seeing as their brother is… unavailable at the moment." Leon didn't manage to bite back a giggle at that, prompting Emil to poke him in the ribs. They really didn't need another Luna.

* * *

With a shout of "Äiti! Pappa!", Peter made his way through the rows of first years in the front and jumped into Tino's arms. Leon winced as he saw Finland stumble under the weight of the Incredible Steel Boy but the nation was strong enough to support the sea-fort once he rested in his arms.

Hong Kong could see Berwald mumble something to the boy and in the blink of an eye Sealand had climbed onto Sweden's shoulders and sat like he belonged there.

After that it didn't take long for the four Nordics to spot him and Iceland.

Lukas nudged Mathias and with a cry of "Ice!" Emil was forcefully pulled out of Leon's grasp and hugged by the Great Dane who had ploughed through four rows of students. (Leon thought he could actually see a tail wagging behind Denmark for a second.)


	19. Brandt's Bat

"Harry! May I introduce you to Eldred Worple, a former student of mine, author of 'Bloodbrothers – My Life With Vampires' – and his friend Vasilica Lupei!

Worple, a small bespectacled man, took Harry's hand and shook it enthusiastically; and so did Mr. Lupei, who did not at all look like what Harry would have expected a vampire to look like, except that when he smiled you could see two fangs where humans had their canines… one of them looked a little loose…

* * *

 **HETALIA!**

* * *

"Let's help Mr. Lupei find his tooth, yes?" Luna suddenly said.

Harry looked around the room and indeed, there was the so called vampire, a hand held protectively in front of his mouth, the little hat he wore balancing precariously on his head while he searched the floor for something.

They slowly approached him as not to startle him.

"Erm… Mr. Lupei?" Harry started carefully, only to be interrupted by a one fanged wide grin.

"England's! Oh, please call me Vas, I don't look that old, do I?" He frowned a little.

"No, not at all! In fact you look really good for your age! But then again, I have only ever seen one other of your species and not much is known to us about your kind so it's hard to judge." Luna reassured him.

Harry was pretty sure she was not talking about vampires as those tended to be well known to wizards, but it was Luna so he didn't linger too long on the thought.

"Oh, have you met Eng-Arthur then?

"Not officially but since he works in the ministry I saw him while doing some research for my fathers magazine."

"You're not a vampire," Harry blurted out.

"Oh, Doitsu, no!" Vas exclaimed.

"I managed to stop my vampires from eating him" – he pointed at Worple – "but could you imagine sending one of them into a school full of humans? Arthur would skin me alive! And he happens to be one of my closest friends so I'd rather not provoke him like that. On that note, I have to find my tooth, little Luca got all the luck on that front, before… Oh! Too late!"

Harry turned around and indeed, there was Worple, making his way towards them. Turning back to Vas he came face to face with a small bat.

* * *

 **Jup, he's a Brandt's Bat. I patted a bat once. No idea what species though. It fell from our roof and my mom recued it from our cat and we set it free in the evening after keeping it under a bucket for a few hours to let it rest. It was still out of it though...**

 **Who wants to bet that Moldova's animagus would be an actual vampire bat?**

 **Wait I'm the author, I win either way...**


	20. Siriously? Book 7?

"Vault one? That is the Kirkland vault. Nobody that isn't part of their family can open it!" Griphook protested.

"We've got it covered, just take us there." Harry urged

"As you wish."

In front of the vault Hermione took out a pocket mirror "Peter are you ready?"

"Yes! Leave it to the great Sea-kun!" a voice from the mirror answered.

Very slowly the door to the vault slid open. It stopped barely wide enough for them to squeeze through. They hurried into the room and, ignoring the mountains of money, Harry went over to examine the shelves. It didn't take him long to locate the ring. Harry picked it up in a handkerchief but not two seconds later it was back in its place on the shelf. They heard laughter coming from behind them. A man that looked like professor Kirkland but with pastel pink hair stepped out of a mirror.

"You didn't think it would be that easy, did you? Nobody that isn't part of the Kirkland family can take anything here and once they let go of it it returns to its assigned place."

He picked up a time turner from the shelf to demonstrate and they watched as it left his hand in a matter of seconds to reappear on the shelf.

"But if you're not a Kirkland… What are you doing here?" Questioned Ron.

Suddenly Hermione gasped. They turned around to see that the door was now closed behind them.

"Peter!" She exclaimed, frantically scrambling for the pocket mirror only to come face to face with an angry looking professor Kirkland. "Miss Granger, I assume. Might you be so friendly to explain why my brother is unconscious and- WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY VAULT!"

"OOOOOH! ARTIE! Don't swear. I might have to cut your tongue out again…" The pink haired man said in a sing-song voice.

"Ol-Oliver? O.K., you three listen to me. He can't leave the vault so as long as you still can: RUN!"

They looked towards the door and indeed it was open completely now.

"Oh… we can't have that~"

"Harry!"

The pinkette had grabbed Harry and was holding a knife to his throat now.

"BLOODY HELL!" Cursed Ron which made the madman swivel over and point the knife at the readhead. That was all the distraction Harry needed to kick him in the crotch and the three made a mad dash out of the door.


	21. Dead nation

Hey everyone... I am currently heavily eaditing aunt marge's big mistake... I didn't plan on posting the updated version on ffn originally but i'm hanging more than i expected soooo... I probably will.

In the meantime i had this idea for the fourth book that begged to be written. this doesnt fit with what i wrote ealier where Hong Kong replaced Harry, insted he is now replacing Cederic. Enjoy

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing, Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling's, Hetalia is Hidekaz Himaruya's**

* * *

"I can't believe he isn't here yet," Iceland complained. "I thought he cared about Leon!"

"He said he'd be here as soon as possible; he just had to send the potion to Remus first," Norway placated him. He knew, of course, that his little brother was very worried for the Asian nation, it had been like this for every single task, despite Leon already proving himself perfectly capable in the fight against his dragon. The nations had all decided to sit together that day, but England hadn't shown up, even though Hong Kong and Harry had both entered the maze.

"I'm gonna send him a message!" Romania grinned, conjuring up his bat patronus with ease and instructing it to tell Arthur to hurry up, since he has missed both Hogwarts champions entering the maze already.

And yet Arthur didn't show up.

When Iceland had already given up on him, people suddenly started sreaming and pointing at something. Something that quickly climbed up the ranks towards the four Nations: A Lion, silver and royal looking.

"That's England's Patronus!" Norway hissed in Icelandic, clearly chosing the language that he was certain no-one around them spoke. Icelandic students didn't visit Durmstrang and the schools language program was limited to English and Swedish courses for those who didn't spoke it yet.

He didn't get much time to think about it though, as the silver lion started talking in something it took him a moment to place because he had never heard England speak it. Old Norse. Not the kind that had been spoken in his land, but recognizable all the same.

"Take his body to my office. There is a time turner in the top desk drawer. tell him to turn it three times."

Romania looked confused, but Norway threw him an 'I'll explain later' glance.

Everyone had turned towards them. Those sitting close had of course heard the lion speak.

"Was that professor Kirkland?" Hermione was the first to find the courage to ask, "I didn't know he spoke... Icelandic?" it was more of a question than anything else so the Nordics were quick to confirm it.

"Yes!" Denmark shouted. "It was a message for Emil here so why don't you go help him, Isey, I'm sure he wants to join us as soon as possible!"

Emil nodded and rose to his feet like he was in a trance. He made his way out of the stadion and up to the castle, meanwhile his mind kept repeating one thought.

Body. The lion had said body. Leon couldn't... he couldn't be dead, could he? No. No, the Lion had also said to tell him to use a time turner, whatever that was. Dead people couldn't be instructed to do things. And yet...

On the last bit of the way up to the castle he started to run and he didn't stop until he had reached England's office.

Heart beating in his throat he opened the door...

To find England and a very alive Hong Kong looking into a metal dish in concentration.

A sob escaped the young Nation, causing the other two to turn around to him.

"Emil!" Leon exclaimed, "What re you doing here?"Harry and me can't possibly be back yet! It's too early!" Hong Kong was confused.

Iceland pointed a shaky finger at England. "He said to bring your body back to his office! Your body!"

Hong Kong's head snapped around. "What!?"

England raised his hands in a defensive gesture "I'm sorry, I couldn't add much more detail, my Old Norse isn't that good. I didn't want any of the students to overhear, especially with the other two schools around. But it is true, I'm afraid. Harry Potter will, in the next few hours, arrive with a temporarily mortal and temporarily dead Hong Kong. And it's of great importance that he arrives here at my office before anyone thinks him dead for too long so that he can travel back in time, resulting in him being alive and well right here, right now."

At that Hong Kong, who was still half hugging, half supporting Iceland gave a small nod and smile.

"I'm fine Emil, really, the dead me is going to wake up as soon as i transfer my nation duties back to him which i will do as soon as he arrives in this office."

"Go back to your brother." Instructed Arthur, "Tell every Nation you can to cover up the fact that the Leon that will come out of that maze in about two hours isn't alive! Someone messed with the triwizard cup and added a second portkey location to it. All signs point to a supporter of Voldemort, one that has to be in this school and involved with the tournament on some level. I have a hunch who it is and we will stop him. Now go, Emil, don't waste time!"

With that he was separated from Leon and escorted out of the door by the older island nation.

He took a second to gather his thoughts and marched down to the quddich field. It wasas clear to him as it was to England and Hong Kong that, if he failed, the whole school would know they weren't exactly human.

It might be too late to fool Harry though, if he actually saw Hong Kong die in front of him... He shook his head. One person could be dealt with, even if that person was Harry Potter.

He decided to go with England's approach and tell the other Nations in Old Norse, since everyone but Romania and the micros once had learned it. Norway could translate it for Vas but this way he could tell the other eight without being overheard.

He had almost reached his old spot, but Hermione decided to stop him.

"Emil? Is professor Kirkland still not with you?"

She looked worried, but Iceland had a feeling it wasn't for England.

"No. Something came up. He probably won't make it today," he told her with an apologizing smile.

Continuing his way to the others, he was finally able to tell them what he had learned from Leon and Arthur.

All of them nodded, their gazes gaining a bit of steel to them. The nations were prepared for battle.

Norway quickly translated what had been said into Romanian and he also steeled himself for what was to come.

Without having to talk about it all of them continued to watch the entertainment that had been provided for the audience and talked to nearby studets or nations for the next hour.

After that one by one they excused themselves and made their way down the ranks, positioning themselves closer to where the triwizard cup was supposed to transport the winners.

Emil was the last Nordic that made his way down. He was surprised to find Finland without the micros he had lured down with a promise of snacks.

"I told them to cause a distraction as soon as Harry arrives," he smiled upon noticing Iceland looking around for them.

"Oh my gods", Iceland couldn't help but smile at that.

Waiting for it to happen felt like an eternity to him but it probably wasn't. A bang of suddenly displaced air announced the arrival of the two remaining champions and all hell broke loose in the audience. Iceland didn't take the time to see what the micros had done, his and all the other Nation's focus was on reconvering Hong Kong.

Norway was the first to reach the lifeless body, Iceland and Finland were there shortly after. The other Nations wisely decided to not crowd him just yet, as soon as the first of them had arrived most of them stopped and waited for them to walk towards them.

Norway was trying -and, thanks to his strength, succeeding- to get Harry to losen his grip on Leon's arm. Iceland could hear him mumble:

"He's dead, they killed him. Voldemort-" but Harry wasn't their priority right now. Shielding Hong Kong and taking him away was.

"I'm sure he's just stunned, Leon is tougher than you think," Norway reassured the boy as him and Finland hoisted the lifeless body up. "We're going to take him to a healer and he will be as good as new, don't worry."

"Nooo..." He heard Harry protesting weakly but Dumbledore had already arrived at the scene and so Iceland just followed his brother and on the way more and more nations joined up with them to shield them from curious eyes.

Together they took him up to the castle and up the stairs to England's office where the other Hong Kong was already waiting for them.

"We unlocked the drawer already. Come to Moody's office after this."

And with that he dashed away himself.

Inside the office the other Leon suddenly convulsed and woke up.

"HARRY!"


End file.
